just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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