Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Randomize
