i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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