Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
