we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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