Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
