I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
