so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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