Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
