Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Randomize
