life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
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