No, drunk sperm still make babies.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
