So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize