so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
