Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I wish life had little blips of pornography
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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