How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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