you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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