she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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