i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
