I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
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