this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
