Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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