im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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