This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
