how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
