i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
