3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Everyone says I win the strip club
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
