Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
