you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
