I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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