she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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