she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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