The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
