Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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