that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Randomize
