You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Randomize
