Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Randomize
