first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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