I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
