Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
