I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
