your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
