That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize