Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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