I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
