Church boner. Awkwardddd
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
