I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Randomize
