Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
