Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
