I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
