Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
