Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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