oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
