I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
