Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
