i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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