I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
