I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
