I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
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