You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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