Moan for me like Helen Keller
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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