I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Randomize
