New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
