you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
And the cops told us we were all naked.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
