So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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