The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
